How to Lose Your Arm Thanking Donors

“A little blood on the envelope shows that you really care”

Last week, a dear friend of mine got her arm stuck in a US Postal Service mailbox while sending thank you notes to donors. I’m not making this up.

I can’t tell you why she stuck her arm down a mailbox (nearly losing a bracelet in the process). I only know that she did it, she told me about it, and then things got real for me and Child #2.

This is the actual mailbox. To the best of my awareness, the graffiti was not left by my friend.

Child #2 and I set out this week to answer a complex fundraising question: how hard is it to get your arm stuck in a Postal Service mailbox while sending thank you notes? And, additionally, how irritated will your wife be after you coax one of your children to jam an arm down a mailbox?

Preliminary answers: “It’s not hard at all” and “not as much as I was expecting.”

Below is essential fundraising science, you guys.

I conscripted Child #2 for this assignment for two important reasons: (1) she has skinny arms and (2) I was afraid something would bite my hand if I did it. (The below experiment was only completed after Child #2 took multiple “hot girl naps”).

The girls who get it, get it. The girls who don’t, don’t

S I D E B A R

Yes, it’s a federal offense to mess with a mailbox because the federal government is a big fat trombone womp-womp. Per wet-blanket Google:

Step 1: Wave to the camera

This delicious waffle-face is a good sport

Step 2: Ensure mailbox is operational

It operated like a Swiss watch

Step 3: Stick your arm in a mailbox

I think she could have got that arm down further without the sweatshirt

Step 4: Mark how far arm extends into mailbox

My daughter has beautiful hands. Thank God nothing bit them off.

Step 5: Measure distance from tips of fingers to mark on arm

Child #2 insisted on another hot girl nap before we measured her arm

Step 6: Draw Very Scientific Fundraising Conclusions

Yes. If you have skinny arms, it’s possible to get at least 10 inches of your arm stuck in a US Postal Service mailbox while sending thank you notes to donors. But you really need to be pressured by your dad to do it.

I’ll hazzard a bold statement the week before Thanksgiving: a thank you just means just a little bit more when the person sending it is elbow deep in a mailbox. When you almost lose a bracelet doing it. Or walk away with few scrapes on your forearm and probably need a tetanus shot. That’s what I aspire to.

A little blood on the envelope shows that you really care. AmIright?

Remember to subscribe for more blood-soaked fundraising advice!

We left a notice on the mailbox with a helpful “Public Service Announcement” and an ask for local passerby to subscribe:

Too thirsty?

Another great ask for Substack by Dan! I’m killing it, you guys.

Making the Ask For Fundraising for Breakfast

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for:

My children—Who stick their arms in strange mailboxes when I ask them to

My wife—Who let us do it

My colleagues—Who risk bodily harm when they thank donors and know how to laugh about it

All of you—For subscribing, reading, liking, sharing with others, and commenting each week

(Last piece of pumpkin pie from my Thanksgiving dinner goes to any local waffle-eater who can guess who got his/her arm stuck in that mailbox).

Enjoy yourselves this week, turkeys.

Gobble, gobble.