Joey Chestnut Will Eat Your Fundraising Appeal For Breakfast
Lessons About Timing and Opportunity from America's Greatest Eater
For those new to this Substack, my mother (Kitty) thinks I should be asking celebrities for donations. We’ve already talked about Nicholas Cage, but that was only the tip of the celebrity iceberg, you guys.
Kitty is—how shall I say it?—a finicky, a picky, a deliberate eater. At heart, she’s a steak and potatoes kind of gal. (My sister got her to eat a kiwi once. Kitty’s hot take: “too seedy.”) It actually makes going out to dinner with her pretty easy because there’s always steak on the menu. Even at a Waffle House.
I suspect that Kitty’s eating habits (plus her People Magazine subscription) are behind her recent suggestion that I ask Joey Chestnut to make a donation.
Joey Chestnut is the guy who wins the Coney Island Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest every Fourth of July.
He likely caught her attention because he’s been in the news lately after being barred from this year’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Apparently, he’s sponsored by Impossible Foods (a rival of Nathan’s) and the suits at the hot dog factory weren’t having it.
Kitty’s suggestion that I approach Chestnut has less to do with who he is and more to do with the extent she’d go to land a gift.
Read on for the hysterical/upsetting way Kitty would have you raise money from a competitive eating superstar.
Below are a few tidbits about Joey Chestnut (and the world of competitive eating) culled from roughly 15 minutes of Googling:
Competitive eating is a sport with a governing body, Major League Eating.
Chestnut has won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest a gut-busting 16 times since the early 2000s.
Wieners/Winners of the contest take home an ornate WWF-style belt, called “The Mustard Belt,” and a $10,000 cash prize. (Which at once feels like not enough but also way too much.)
“Chipmunking” is a technical term for when competitive eaters pack food away in their cheeks without swallowing it. It’s a contentious tactic that competitors have strong feelings about it. (Also, chipmunks who stick food in their mouth without swallowing it call it “Chestnutting.” Or so I’m told...)
Way back in 2005, Chestnut won the Waffle House World Waffle-Eating Championship after eating 18 ½ eight-ounce waffles in 10 minutes. Which is very impressive for him and very on brand for the rest of us here at Fundraising For Breakfast.
Quick Googling tells me that Joey Chestnut seems, in all seriousness, like a pretty good guy. He’s really engaged with his fans, and I found reporting on his philanthropic work supporting veterans through the Elizabeth Dole Foundation’s Hidden Heroes campaign. Respect.
He also said this about competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest: "It's more than a contest…A lot of the mail or letters I get from people, it's not saying, 'Oh my God, you eat so many hot dogs, it's amazing.' It's, 'You've been a part of my Fourth of July for so long.' That's the awesome part. I get to be a part of people's Fourth of July."
I wish he was part of my Fourth of July weekend—he could have joined me for a wonderful party at my friends Alicia and Diana’s house. There were more than enough hot dogs. I ate two. Chestnut could have eaten the rest.
The extent of Kitty’s fundraising advice involves cornering, strong-arming, and coercing Chestnut into making a gift. Below is a break-down of what she would have us do:
Attend one of his events. Mix with the crowd. Act natural.
Move to the side of the stage where he’ll exit. Be cool. Be casual.
When he tries to walk off the stage to throw up all the hot dogs he just ate, that’s when you stop and ask him for the gift! Do it before he hits that bathroom!
I laughed when Kitty gave me this advice because, of course, it’s a joke.
But she should have us all thinking about timing and opportunity in fundraising. Because the ideal moment to ask for something is when the time is right, and you have the chance to ask for it. So many times these two things just don’t line up all that neatly and we end up forcing it, right? And then we run the risk of hasty, rushed, inappropriate, or downright misguided asks of somebody that nobody feels good about.
My mother has the instincts of a fundraiser because she senses the importance of timing and opportunity. But barring Chestnut’s path to the bathroom would only result in him speed-barfing his hot dogs all over me.
And I’d deserve it.
So, here’s what I would do instead.
Joey Chestnut likes to eat a lot of food, right? And Kitty only eats steak and potatoes? Fine.
I’ll take them to dinner and serve up some better timing and opportunity than I would by blocking his path to the bathroom.
Actually, I’ll take the world’s greater eater and the world’s pickiest eater to the restaurant in The Great Outdoors for a couple of Old 96ers. The fortunate Gen X-ers among us will recall that the Old 96er is the sizzling 96-ounce steak John Candy ate in a single sitting in The Great Outdoors (a criminally underrated movie from my youth). It’s the perfect meal for Joey Chestnut! He’ll feel right at home!
The first thing I’m going to do after I post this to Substack, I’m making a reservation at a restaurant from a movie from 35 years ago. And then Chestnut, my mother, and I are going to share a meal and talk about the legality of “chipmunking” in competitive eating, about his recent coverage in People Magazine, Kitty’s experience eating a kiwi once, and about his philanthropic interests in veterans’ causes.
Kitty and I will sit down with him and create the time and opportunity around an Old 96er because, I think, that’s what good fundraisers do. We don’t search out the moments when potential donors are so uncomfortable they won’t say no. We earn the moments when they’re so comfortable they’ll want to say yes.
While your brother, the precious angel, is no Joey Chestnut, he did once eat 7 of my best friend’s home made Belgian waffles once while her family looked on in awe. I believe they still talk about it. I wonder who won the contest this year. You should hit him up before the other fundraisers get to him. I’ll bet he’s a nice guy. 🐯