Ask Kitty! Fundraising Advice From My Mother. Who Is Not a Fundraiser

In honor of Mother’s Day, we have a special guest to answer all your fundraising questions.

Many of you will remember Kitty. She thinks I should ask Nicholas Cage for money and she has the hots for Keith Morrison.

This is her:

My Mother Thinks You Should Ask Celebrities For Money

This is also her:

Below are actual questions submitted by Fundraising for Breakfast readers and Kitty’s best advice for all manner of fundraiser. (Gifs added by moi.)

If you’re looking for fundraising advice from a woman who’s never raised money in her life and who speaks eloquently about the C-section that launched yours truly onto this mortal coil, you’re in the right place.

Dear Kitty,

I love raising money for a cause that I believe in, but I’m too afraid to speak up in meetings and I don’t know how to take criticism. What advice can you give me for receiving criticism about my fundraising at work? Is it reasonable to scream, throw a chair across the room, and then storm out?

Sincerely,
Living on the Edge
(PS: Your son is the one criticizing me)

Dear Living on the Edge:

Never be afraid to speak up in meetings. No one is listening to anyone anyway. Try peppering in more passive aggressiveness into meetings to make others equally uncomfortable! A well timed, “Wow… you’re so brave to wear that color!” keeps people in check. Ask long-winded questions at the end of meetings and sending urgent emails at 4pm on Friday afternoons. Pretty soon people will soon be terrified of you! With fear comes respect. With respect comes more fear. And with more fear comes acceptance. Remember I said this.

Tell Dan his mother says to remember his manners. If that doesn’t work, threaten to unsubscribe from his Substack. That’ll show him who’s boss.

Love, Kitty

Dear Kitty,

I’m training for a marathon! Nothing but early morning runs and clean living. But I need to raise $10,000 for charity to get a racing bib. What advice do you have for somebody who’s never fundraised before, doesn’t know where to start, and would you like to donate $10,000 to my race?

Sincerely,
Running Short on Options

Dear Running Short:

I would love to donate $10,000 to your race but my assets are currently tied up in the Laotian kip (the official currency of Laos). Actually, I have an amazing investment opportunity if you’re interested in taking the $10,000 you raise and turning it into ₭10,000,000!

But seriously, this marathon sounds like a scam. Anyone who expects you to train with early morning runs AND clean living AND pony up $10,000 thinks you’re an easy mark. The only reason to run is if a bear is chasing you. Remember I said this.

Love, Kitty

Dear Kitty,

I’m nearing retirement and my finance guy tells me that I’ll have to take an RMD out of my IRA. What are the IRS guidelines around making a QCD to lessen my tax obligation? Is a DAF something I should pursue? Also, what’s your idea of the perfect date?

Sincerely,
Young at Heart

Dear Young at Heart:

You sound rich. Want to buy me a drink?

Everyone knows the perfect date is April 25^th because it’s not too hot, not too cold, and all you need is a light jacket. Don’t flirt with me if you aren’t going to be serious. Remember I said this.

I’ll donate ₭10,000,000 to Running Short’s scam-race if somebody in the Comments can (a) tell me what movie this comes from, (b) tell me what state the speaker represented, and (c) who should star in an eventual remake of the movie. Wrong answers only.

Love, Kitty

Dear Kitty,

The Met Gala has come and gone and taken its red-carpet fashion with it. Pretend you’re a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race… what fashion “do’s and don’ts” should fundraisers consider when meeting with donors? Don’t censor yourself.

Sincerely,
Fashion Forward

Dear Fashion Forward:

1. Make sure all your tattoos are spelled correctly.

2. Don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day and don’t wear pearls before 5pm. I don’t care what everyone else is doing.

3. If your skirt can be mistaken for a belt, change it. And then start making better life decisions.

4. As Michael Caine says in a movie you should know without me having to tell you: “Eyebrows. There should be two.”

5. It’s probably best to leave the fur at home for the first meeting. But for the second meeting? Anything goes!

   Love, Kitty

Dear Kitty,

I represent a subset of Fundraising for Breakfast subscribers who share your love for Keith Morrison (so sexy!) and razzing Dan in the comments (so fun!). Below is a fundraising test to see if you’re the real deal:

You’ve been gifted a complete collection of original Beanie Babies. Write the thank you card without first looking up its value.

Sincerely,
Charter Member of the Kitty Cats Fan Club

Dear Charter Member:

Thanks for your question. I go for subtle over obvious in all my correspondence as you can no doubt tell. See if you can pick it up below:

Dear Donor:

Thank you so much for your generosity in contributing your original Beanie Babies collection to our organization. I really don’t know how we can adequately express our appreciation!

Love, Kitty

Happy Mother’s Day and special thanks to Kitty for sharing her expertise this week and to KG, WP, LP, and BB for terrific and funny questions!

Now go out there and set your fundraising world on fire, Substack!